Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 1

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy football team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it.

Start ‘Em

• Drew Lock (QB): Don’t tell me you’ve bought into that “Teddy Bridgewater is the starter” smokescreen. Lock should ball out against the unprepared Giants.
• Cleveland Browns (D/ST): Sure, the Chiefs are a bad matchup on paper. But who the hell uses paper anymore?
• Trevor Lawrence (QB): The rookie should have a great day against some inexperienced Texans safety named Deshaun.

Sit ‘Em

• Dalvin Cook (RB): Just think about how cool you’d look to the rest of your league if you won without using your 1st round pick.
• T.J. Hockenson (TE): Jared Goff will entirely ignore his pro bowl tight end this week, just to prove that he can do it all on his own.
• Justin Tucker (K): Tucker hasn’t made a field goal against the Raiders since 2018. They’re obviously his kryptonite.

Buy-Lows

• Antonio Brown (WR): It doesn’t get much lower than sucker-punching a Titans player during their joint practice, but I’m sure he’s learned his lesson this time.
• Odell Beckham Jr. (WR): Close your eyes and picture that incredible catch from 2014. Now trade for him before you remember anything he’s done since then.

Sell-Highs

• Tom Brady (QB): When you think about it, there’s nowhere to go but down from winning the Super Bowl. Get out while you still can.
• Tyreek Hill (WR): Did you see that speedy TD catch Hill made in the preseason? That probably took a lot of energy, so he’s not likely to do it again anytime soon.

Waivers

• Christian McCaffrey (RB): McCaffrey won’t be on waivers in most leagues, but you should definitely pick him up if he is.
• Josh Rosen (QB): He wouldn’t be on his 5th team in 3 years if he didn’t ooze potential, and that’s clearly worth one of your bench spots.
• Cordarrelle Patterson (RB/WR): A running back that can also play as a wide receiver? Please, say no more.

Tip of the Week

When you inevitably lose your first fantasy football matchup of the year, make sure to overreact. Panic immediately and make a bunch of desperate short-term trades like your season depends on it. Because it does.

Nick Pellegrini