Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 2

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy football team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Calvin Ridley (WR): A quote taken from Ridley’s horoscope this week: “your life will flow more easily and things will be accomplished with less effort.” It’s as simple as that, folks.
• Kenneth Gainwell (RB): I mean come on, his last name is literally gain-well. Start him every week.
• A.J. Green (WR): It’s pretty unlikely that he goes off for 20+ points, but imagine how smart you’d look if he does.

Sit ‘Em

• Damien Harris (RB): Even if Belichick forgives Harris for that 4th-quarter fumble, you shouldn’t. Show him that no one’s job is safe.
• Justin Herbert (QB): The Chargers are going up against a terrible defense that just lost its best player, but isn’t that the perfect setup for disappointment?
• Ryan Succop (K): It’s Succop’s 35th birthday on Sunday, so be a good fantasy manager and give him the day off.

Buy-Lows

• Ronald Jones (RB): I’m pretty sure trading for a player that scored -0.6 points last week is the very definition of a buy-low.
• Laviska Shenault (WR): He should be great once they trade with the Eagles to get Gardner Minshew back.

Sell-Highs

• Mike Gesicki (TE): Usually the week after a 0 point performance isn’t a good time to trade a player, but that probably just means you’re not persuasive enough.
• Patrick Mahomes (QB): He was the QB1 last week, but I’m calling it: Mahomes’ decline begins now. Sell before it’s too late.

Waivers

• Mark Ingram (RB): Look at all those fantasy football points Ingram scored last week! No, don’t look at the team he played. Just look at the points.
• Van Jefferson (WR): 88% of his Week 1 score came from a singular flukey play, and I expect him to make a couple of those every week going forward.
• Kyle Rudolph (TE): Rudolph caught a pair of clutch TDs in the Madden game I just finished, so that’s probably a good sign.

Tip of the Week

If there’s an important player you want from waivers, look no further than this simple trick: drop a few of your best guys the day before! Your original target is sure to be overlooked when a couple legitimate options are on the waiver wire with him.

Nick Pellegrini