Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 5

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Josh Gordon (WR): Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four separate times over the course of seven years, shame on me.
• Blaine Gabbert (QB): He should have a great day after Brady is subbed out halfway through the 3rd quarter.
• Cole Kmet (TE): You’ve sat him every week, but how is Kmet supposed to gain valuable experience while on your bench? He needs the reps, put him in.

Sit ‘Em

• Matt Ryan (QB): Bad news for Ryan managers: he’s never been able to surpass 15 fantasy points in London. He probably has trouble sleeping on airplanes.
• Broncos (D/ST): This is the week Big Ben finally puts it all together, I can just feel it.
• Cooper Kupp (WR): McVay said he wants to get Robert Woods more involved this week, and he’s an all-or-nothing kind of guy. Kupp won’t see more than three targets.

Buy-Lows

• Allen Robinson (WR): Grab him before he inevitably gets traded to the Buccaneers en route to Brady’s 8th Super Bowl ring.
• Jared Goff (QB): Sure, the Lions probably won’t do well against the Vikings. Or the Bengals. Or the Rams, Eagles, Steelers, Browns, Broncos, and Cardinals. But in week 16 they play the Falcons, and you can never plan too far ahead.

Sell-Highs

• Patrick Mahomes (QB): He’s way too TD dependent, and doesn’t have the rushing floor like Darnold or Jones. Regression is incoming.
• Ty’Son Williams (RB): By “sell high” I mean “sell to that manager in your league who hasn’t been paying attention since Week 2”.

Waivers

• Giovani Bernard (RB): Whenever Joe Mixon misses time, Bernard finds fantasy success. Does it matter if they’re not on the same team anymore?
• Graham Gano (K): Just focus on that 22 point performance from a few weeks ago and convince yourself he could do it again.
• Randall Cobb (WR): Aaron Rodgers is going to target Cobb over Davante Adams for the rest of the year just to spite the Packers’ front office.

Tip of the Week

If you’re new to fantasy football and want to sound like a seasoned veteran, try mixing in some of these phrases when talking with your leaguemates. They’re sure to treat you with respect and dignity for the rest of the season.

• “Touchdown regression”
• “Air yards”
• “Vacated targets”
• “Alpha receiver”
• “ADoT”
• “Negative game scripts”
• “Safety blanket”
• “High reinjury risk”
• “Athletic profile”

Nick Pellegrini