If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Justin Herbert (QB): With Keenan Allen and Mike Williams on the COVID-19 list, Herbert will have to run for every first down himself.
- Brandin Cooks (WR): Oh no, whatever will the Seahawks do without Pro Bowl safety Jamaal Adams? Get torched by the Texans, that’s what.
- Nick Folk (K): I don’t care that he’s on his bye, you show this man some respect.
Sit ‘Em
- James Robinson (RB): It’s simply not worth the risk that Urban Myer wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and benches Robinson for the whole game.
- Ja’Marr Chase (WR): Looks like they’re finally using those NFL-sized footballs he’s not used to catching. Fade until the Bengals sneak NCAA footballs back into the stadium.
- New Orleans Saints (D/ST): I’m not saying that the Jets are going to take down the Saints. But now that you mention it…
Buy-Lows
- Christian McCaffrey (RB): I don’t care what they’re saying about a season-ending ankle injury. McCaffrey is a guy you want no matter what.
- A.J. Green (WR): Obviously you don’t want to trade for Green, but just think about how happy you’d make his current fantasy football manager.
Sell-Highs
- Jalen Hurts (QB): The Eagles insist they don’t have a QB controversy after Gardner Minshew’s impressive game, but isn’t that what they’d say regardless?
- Diontae Johnson (WR): I’m not even going to bother telling you why you should trade away Johnson. Your trade deadline is probably passed by now anyways.
Waivers
- Jonathan Taylor (RB): He’s on bye this week, so be sure to check your waivers in case someone got confused and dropped him.
- Rashaad Penny (RB): Pete Carroll said Penny is “going to play a lot this week”. It’s just not like him to be untrustworthy for fantasy purposes.
- Jared Goff (QB): This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the beginning of the 2021 Jared Goff MVP campaign.
Tip of the Week
If you’re eliminated from the playoffs and in danger of the league’s last-place punishment, here are some matters you should be considering immediately:
- Where can I hide?
- How long will it take for my league to forget about the punishment?
- Should I legally change my name?
- Does fantasy football exist in other countries?
- Is playing fantasy even worth all this nonsense?
The answer to that last question is, obviously, yes. See you all next year.
