If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Josh Gordon (WR): Mentally prepare yourselves for Gordon to be on this list every week. It’s only a matter of time before his MVP campaign begins.
- Brandin Cooks (WR): I traded him away earlier this week, so there’s a 90% chance he’ll have his best game of the year.
- Washington Football Team (D/ST): Mahomes is on pace to throw 20 interceptions this season! Washington will be a foolproof top-3 option in Week 6.
Sit ‘Em
- Joe Burrow (QB): Now that he hurt his throat, I expect the Bengals to have serious communication issues. Sit Burrow until he learns sign language.
- Zach Ertz (TE): Even with Dallas Goedert out, anyone excited about Ertz has entirely too much faith in the Philadelphia Eagles.
- Justin Tucker (K): One field goal? One? For just 23 yards? Tucker’s officially washed folks, you heard it here first.
Buy-Lows
- Ty’Son Williams (RB): I personally can’t wait for the Ravens to trade him to the 49ers in what will be the most annoying move in fantasy football history.
- Kadarius Toney (WR): Believe it or not, the current level of hype is actually going to end up as a season-low.
Sell-Highs
- Saquon Barkley (RB): Figure out which of your leaguemates haven’t seen the picture of Barkley’s ankle and send out some trade offers before they do.
- D.J. Moore (WR): Last week we found out that 2020 San Darnold still lives somewhere within 2021 Sam Darnold, and that makes Moore a boom/bust play every single week.
Waivers
- Khalil Herbert (RB): If Khalil Mack and Justin Herbert had a son that grew up to play running back, I’d sure as hell pick him up.
- Tommy Sweeney (TE): Listen, if you want to win, you’re going to have to take some risks. Imagine the feeling if Sweeney drops 30 points on Monday night.
- Devontae Booker (RB): Who wouldn’t want the backup running back on a team with a bad defense, terrible offensive line, injured quarterback, and no healthy receivers?
Tip of the Week
I highly recommend keeping track of all your opponents’ favorite NFL teams, it’ll make trade negotiations a lot easier in fantasy football. You’re more likely to get a haul for Justin Fields from the Bears fan than the Packers one. Plus, you can guess their mood based on how well their team is doing! Never trade with an angry fan.
