If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Ty’Son Williams (RB): Ty’Son was obviously just holding off until week 7 to test his managers’ faith. Prepare to be rewarded.
- Davis Mills (QB): All the recent trade rumors have lit a fire within Mills. This will be the week he proves that teams have been trying to trade for the wrong Texans QB.
- Travis Kelce (TE): It’s National Tight Ends Day this Sunday, so I recommend starting every TE you can get your hands on. Fill your flex positions with TEs to show that you care.
Sit ‘Em
- CeeDee Lamb (WR): Even though he wasn’t flagged for it, expect Lamb to suffer some serious karma from that egregious taunting at the end of last week’s game.
- Los Angeles Rams (D/ST): Do you really think the Rams will be able to contain Jared Goff and his explosive passing attack? I’m calling it right now, Lions get their first win this week.
- Lamar Jackson (QB): Jackson has yet to complete a single pass against the Bengals this season, so I’d find another option as soon as possible.
Buy-Lows
- Zach Ertz (TE): As soon as Ertz joins the Cardinals, he should absorb 90% of the team’s targets and most if not every TD for the rest of the season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Chris Carson (RB): I’m no doctor, but I don’t think neck injuries are that serious. Carson should be fine in a week or two.
Sell-Highs
- Derrick Henry (RB): The wheels have to fall off at some point, right? It’s like they always say: “never hold onto a productive RB for more than three weeks.”
- Kadarius Toney (WR): Capitalize on the hype before it’s too late. If there’s one thing I know about fantasy football, it’s that reddit is always wrong.
Waivers
- Jason Myers (K): If I really have to explain why you should spend all of your remaining FAAB on 2018 Pro Bowl kicker Jason Myers, then you don’t deserve to have him anyways.
- Mike Thomas (WR): No, not Saints WR Michael Thomas. I’m talking about Bengals WR Mike Thomas. Grabbing obscure players with familiar names is a great way to confuse your opponents.
- Allen Robinson (WR): It’s basically a rule that every manager has to pick up and play Robinson for at least one week before dropping him back to the wire.
Tip of the Week
Try implementing a punishment for the last place finish in your fantasy leagues. There’s no motivation quite like a persistent, sustained fear. Our loser has to set their phone wallpaper to Boss Baby until the 2022 NFL season begins, and the league’s never been more alive.