Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 9

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Albert Okwuegbunam (TE): At the very least, you should start Okwuegbunam to confuse your opponent. It takes an hour just to Google his name.
• Mike Davis (RB): This is the week he finally pays out on his 5th-round draft price, I can feel it.
• David Johnson (RB): It’s obvious that David Culley didn’t use Johnson last week in order to keep their new game plan a surprise. Start him with the utmost confidence.

Sit ‘Em

• Tua Tagovailoa (QB): Tua doesn’t want to be traded to the Texans, so I bet he’ll tank on purpose this week and convince them to look elsewhere.
• Chris Boswell (K): Did you see that hit Boswell took on a fake field goal try last week? There’s no way he’ll be able to kick straight after that.
• Josh Allen (QB): You have to hope that Allen scores enough fantasy points before inevitably sitting after halftime.

Buy-Lows

• Odell Beckham Jr. (WR): Get released by the Browns, sign with the Saints, learn their crowded offense, heal his injured shoulder, and return to glory. Easy as that.
• Los Angeles Rams (D/ST): Guaranteed league winner now that they added Von Miller. I’d easily trade someone like Damien Harris or Cordarrelle Patterson for this unit.

Sell-Highs

• Justin Fields (QB): Sure, Fields looked great against the 49ers. But Matt Nagy is expected to return from the COVID list and coach again this week, so I’d get out while you still can.
• Cooper Kupp (WR): Give him to me, Eric. Accept the trade.

Waivers

• Adrian Peterson (RB): 36-year-old RBs succeed all the time, right?
• Mike White (QB): The Bengals allowed 17 points to the Ravens but 34 to the Jets. By that logic, White is two times better than Lamar Jackson.
• Derrick Henry (RB): Losing a valuable bench spot for the rest of the season is definitely worth the slim chance that you have an RB1 for championship week.

Tip of the Week

If you want a really unorthodox draft strategy, I recommend filling your entire bench with the best kickers and/or defenses. Other fantasy football teams will have no choice but to trade with your special teams monopoly.