Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 12

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Ryan Tannehill (QB): The Titans are known for crushing playoff contenders but collapsing against inept teams. By this rule, they should be great against the Patriots.
• Mike Williams (WR): He’s finally back to catching 50 yard blown coverage TDs, and should return to early-season form as long as defenses keep forgetting to cover him.
• Deebo Samuel (RB): 8 carries for 79 yards and a TD is efficiency you don’t see from many running backs. Plus, I hear they occasionally use him as a receiver.

Sit ‘Em

• Josh Allen (QB): After his performance in week 11, I’d recommend benching Allen just to teach him a lesson.
• Chicago Bears (D/ST): Jared Goff is expected to play, so you should probably temper your expectations. There’s just no way he throws multiple interceptions in primetime.
• Mark Andrews (TE): Rumor has it that the Ravens will try to break the single-game rushing record against the Browns this week just for the disrespect.

Buy-Lows

• Kenny Golladay (WR): I mean, he’s sure to break out now that Jason Garrett has been fired, right? Right?
• Greg Zuerlein (K): Your leaguemate will be so confused that you’re trying to trade for a kicker, you can probably get a good deal.

Sell-Highs

• Jonathan Taylor (RB): It doesn’t get much higher than 5 touchdowns, and what are the odds he does that again?
• Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB): CEH had a nice comeback game last week, but I expect him to get suspended soon thanks to that egregious taunting from his TD run.

Waivers

• Matt Breida (RB): Usually you wouldn’t want part of a 3-man backfield committee on a pass-first team. But you’re desperate, so here we are.
• Dan Arnold (TE): Just look at all the Arnold analysis that broke before week 11 and you’ll be thrilled to pick him up.
• Phillip Lindsay (RB): If you’ve seen Myles Gaskin play, then you’d know that there’s a chance Lindsay can succeed in this offense. Locked-in league winner.

Tip of the Week

If you want a real big-brain fantasy strategy, here’s my five step plan for guaranteed championships:

1. Get hired as a writer for a fantasy football website, ideally under a pseudonym.
2. Write a couple serious articles with solid analysis.
3. Convince your leaguemates to exclusively read articles from that website.
4. Use these articles to sabotage your weekly opponent with false advice.
5. Profit.

Nick Pellegrini