If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Ryan Tannehill (QB): The Titans are known for crushing playoff contenders but collapsing against inept teams. By this rule, they should be great against the Patriots.
- Mike Williams (WR): He’s finally back to catching 50 yard blown coverage TDs, and should return to early-season form as long as defenses keep forgetting to cover him.
- Deebo Samuel (RB): 8 carries for 79 yards and a TD is efficiency you don’t see from many running backs. Plus, I hear they occasionally use him as a receiver.
Sit ‘Em
- Josh Allen (QB): After his performance in week 11, I’d recommend benching Allen just to teach him a lesson.
- Chicago Bears (D/ST): Jared Goff is expected to play, so you should probably temper your expectations. There’s just no way he throws multiple interceptions in primetime.
- Mark Andrews (TE): Rumor has it that the Ravens will try to break the single-game rushing record against the Browns this week just for the disrespect.
Buy-Lows
- Kenny Golladay (WR): I mean, he’s sure to break out now that Jason Garrett has been fired, right? Right?
- Greg Zuerlein (K): Your leaguemate will be so confused that you’re trying to trade for a kicker, you can probably get a good deal.
Sell-Highs
- Jonathan Taylor (RB): It doesn’t get much higher than 5 touchdowns, and what are the odds he does that again?
- Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB): CEH had a nice comeback game last week, but I expect him to get suspended soon thanks to that egregious taunting from his TD run.
Waivers
- Matt Breida (RB): Usually you wouldn’t want part of a 3-man backfield committee on a pass-first team. But you’re desperate, so here we are.
- Dan Arnold (TE): Just look at all the Arnold analysis that broke before week 11 and you’ll be thrilled to pick him up.
- Phillip Lindsay (RB): If you’ve seen Myles Gaskin play, then you’d know that there’s a chance Lindsay can succeed in this offense. Locked-in league winner.
Tip of the Week
If you want a real big-brain fantasy strategy, here’s my five step plan for guaranteed championships:
- Get hired as a writer for a fantasy football website, ideally under a pseudonym.
- Write a couple serious articles with solid analysis.
- Convince your leaguemates to exclusively read articles from that website.
- Use these articles to sabotage your weekly opponent with false advice.
- Profit.
Honestly there’s no way Jonathan Taylor does that well again so like why not trade him?