Terrible Fantasy Advice: Week 13

If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.

Start ‘Em

• Taysom Hill (QB): Probably not the smartest move, but how else will you keep yourself interested in Thursday Night Football?
• Jalen Reagor (WR): I have it on good authority that the Eagles will continue to trust Reagor after he dropped 2 game-winning TDs.
• Cordarrelle Patterson (RB/WR): In addition to offense and special teams, Patterson is now listed as a backup safety. Time to start lobbying your commissioner for IDP eligibility.

Sit ‘Em

• Jonathan Taylor (RB): The Texans seem like a juicy matchup on paper, but you have to dive deeper here. I expect the Colts to sit Taylor after the 35-0 first quarter.
• Miami Dolphins (D/ST): The Dolphins have been on a roll lately, but they face the Mike Glennon-led Giants this week. It’s common knowledge that all Michaels are good at fantasy football.
• Rob Gronkowski (TE): Honestly, I’m just tired of his USAA commercials.

Buy-Lows

• Jared Goff (QB): Think about it this way: Goff has a better record in November than Matthew Stafford. My best guess is that they Freaky-Friday switched after week 8.
• Zack Moss (RB): Moss followed up his week 1 healthy scratch with 4 decent games, and who’s to say he won’t do it again?

Sell-Highs

• Tom Brady (QB): Sure, he has the most passing TDs in the league. But let me tell you about a little thing called regression…
• DK Metcalf (WR): Believe it or not, this is a high point for Metcalf and the Seahawks. I’d trade any one of them for peanuts at this point.

Waivers

• Shawn Hochuli (REF): Hochuli and his crew have been absolutely killing it in my points-per-penalty league.
• Braxton Berrios (WR): There’s no reason to pick up Berrios besides the fact that his name sounds like a dinosaur, but do you really need a better one than that?
• Adrian Peterson (RB): Listen, I know you’re desperate. I know you’re going to do it again. Godspeed, you madman.

Tip of the Week

As injuries continue to pile up for some of the biggest names in football, here’s a simple trick to avoid heartbreak next season: don’t draft any top-tier players. If you’re stuck with an early draft pick, take a lower-ranked player on purpose. It’ll all be worth it when your opponents’ studs inevitably drop to the IR.

Nick Pellegrini