If you’re looking for legitimate fantasy football guidance, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. All advice contained within this article is entirely satirical and should only be implemented for comedic purposes. I hold no responsibility for your fantasy team if you follow these suggestions, but I will respect you a hell of a lot more for it. This is Terrible Fantasy Advice.
Start ‘Em
- Davis Mills (QB): What do Josh Allen, Baker Mayfield, and Justin Herbert have in common? They all replaced Tyrod Taylor. It is Mills’ destiny to succeed.
- Nelson Agholor (WR): Agholor’s self-esteem was wrecked last week, but putting him in your starting lineup would really make him feel better.
- Russell Gage (WR): Step 1: start Gage. Step 2: profit. Simple economics.
Sit ‘Em
- Justin Fields (QB): He might have taken the starting role this week, but that means Nick Foles is officially the QB2. That’s never a good sign.
- Derrick Henry (RB): Henry got 35 carries last week and understandably needs some time off. Put him on your bench and let him rest up for Week 4.
- Denver Broncos (D/ST): Sure, Zach Wilson threw 4 interceptions last week, but that was just because he had the Patriots defense in his fantasy football league.
Buy-Lows
- Clyde Edwards-Helaire (RB): Buy at a discount, and then immediately sell to that one guy in your league who still believes in him.
- Ronald Jones (RB): Once he gets traded to San Francisco he should be great for at least 2 weeks before the 49ers injury curse gets to him.
Sell-Highs
- Tyler Boyd (WR): I had a dream last night about a talking tiger that ended up dying, so do with that information what you will.
- Chris Boswell (K): “No one wants to trade for your shitty kicker” they said. But I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
Waivers
- Tony Jones Jr. (RB): Alvin Kamara really sucked last week, so I expect Jones to take over the starting job right away.
- Jarred Goff (QB): Goff needs to be owned in every single fantasy football league. No, I’m not going to tell you why.
- Byron Pringle (WR): Half of his catches went for touchdowns last week, and that’s a level of efficiency you can’t pass up.
Tip of the Week
It’s absolutely essential to the fantasy football experience that you freak out, give up, and act like a sore loser when your team is down by 10 points in the first quarter on Sunday morning.
